Being Geek Chic is a blog about one woman navigating the male-dominated industries of production and tech. It's written by Elizabeth Giorgi, Founder, CEO and Director of Mighteor - one of the world's first internet video production companies. Learn more about Mighteor here.
A few months ago, I jumped back into the hellaciously hot waters of dating again. I had a lot of fear about it, because: 1. it has been 9 years since I went on actual dates; 2. snap decisions about appearances seem to be how most people date today; and 3. I have become a much more ardent and vocal feminist since the last time I was going out for casual drinks with strangers.
And to be fair, there wasn’t anything particularly awful about it at first. In fact, for the most part, it was a pretty positive experience. I met a few guys who charmed me. A few that made me laugh. A few who were total gentleman. In fact, I really only met one total asshole. And I only got stood up completely on one occasion. From what I understand, this is a miracle. I did cry. Not going to pretend like I’m a badass all the time. That shit hurt my feelings.
First dates are always weird. I read an article with a matchmaker once where she said that you should ALWAYS go on a second date, because people aren’t truly themselves on a first date. So, with this rule in mind, I tried to be fun and honest and real on the first date and keep it light. But as things were progressing to second dates, I started to notice that there was one question I always wanted to ask that I had a truly hard time bringing up. I wanted to ask: do you consider yourself a feminist?
It’s not that I refuse to date a guy who wouldn’t call himself a feminist, but I think the dialogue around the issue often reveals what kind of person you are dealing with. Invariably, I would hear some variation of the following:
1. I believe in feminism, in theory, but…
2. I don’t believe one gender is better than the other and prefer to say I’m a humanist, so…
3. No, that’s for women…
And when I would hear: “Yes, I’m absolutely a feminist,” those guys would always get a third date. There’s only been two - so that tells you something.
The truth is that for men who are proud to call themselves feminists, it’s because they see the broader issue at hand. And it always opened up our dialogue from petty chit chat about our lives to something much deeper - our core values. So often the guys that call themselves feminists are really telling me something else. They are telling me they value equality. They are telling me they respect people different from them. They usually have a strong mom or sister or grandmother. Or they had a girlfriend who really pushed them in that direction. I am grateful to those women. I feel like the person I am spending time with is all the more lovely as a result.
For the ones that won’t go there, and don’t associate with feminism, it’s not usually because they don’t believe in equality. It’s usually because they don’t see their role in the fight. And this is where I think all women need to do a better job of not just giving up on the conversation - but pushing it forward. Earlier this week, I stumbled upon this article in The Cut where they asked 15 Famous Men if they would call themselves feminists. It captures two things perfectly: first, how hard this question is to ask. And second, how challenging it can be to find the right words to say in the situation. Each of the men give answers that make clear how they see themselves in relation to the issue: they are either impacted or they’re not. To be completely transparent, I found myself having even more intense crushes on the guys who quickly and clearly articulated their feminist position.
So why don’t most men think they need to take up the cause? It’s obviously different for every man you meet, but if they thought they might get more third or fourth dates out of it, they may be more inclined to think through the question. I mean that in jest to some degree. I also say it seriously. I can’t help but think of Matt McGorry’s response in the aforementioned piece: “…if there were as many male feminists as there are female feminists, we wouldn’t need to be fighting for equality.” And that’s the whole crux: women need men to help us fight this. Just like straight people need to fight for the rights of gay people. Just like people of all races and backgrounds need to feel empathy for people who look different from them. We’re all part of this crazy thing called being human and our ability to emotionally step outside of our own experiences is what will make our whole world better.
Has this question made dating harder? Sure. Am I still going to ask it? You bet.
Favorite movies. TV shows. Video games. As strange as it may seem to non-geeks, for a geek, a potential partner’s taste in media of all kinds makes a big difference in whether or not they’re worthy of dating in the long-term. Some of my fondest memories with my former boyfriends involve playing Mario in the middle of the night together or conquering the latest indie game over the course of a weekend. Those times will always be beautiful memories even if those relationships didn’t last.
LFG Dating is a site that understands this. So when they approached me to try out their site focusing on setting up fellow gamers, I was excited to check it out. After all, there are lots more games to play and even more connections to make.
The first and most profoundly different thing about signing up for this site, which you won’t find elsewhere is the type of questions. Things like: how often do you game, which consoles you prefer to play and what kind of games do you play most often? This alone made it so much more fun to go through the process of signing up for an online dating site. I’ve signed up for them all and the LFG Dating process is so much more on par with my actual life that I immediately felt like I could trust it. The founders, Casey and Patrick, are real geeks and it shows in every thing that they do to make the site fit geek needs.
After signing up, I was amazed at just how many people were in my area. It wasn’t long before I was talking with a few guys who also play a lot of indie games on PS4. I definitely appreciate having something to talk about that isn’t the weather, my job or where I like to eat in my city. I know how tedious all those conversations are because I’ve engaged in them regularly for the last few months to less than desirable results.
If you’re a geek, you may already know this, but dating a gamer makes those first few days a hell of a lot easier. It gives you something to do together. Eases the transition from hanging out in bars and coffee shops to hanging out in one another’s spaces. These kinds of dates are truly so much less awkward than the standard dating affairs, because well, video games give us purpose! It allows us to have built in competitive prodding, which makes flirting easy. If you play co-op, you can try to win together, which is always a bonding experience.
There are so many games that make for great date nights. Super Smash Bros. Vintage picks like Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. Even more modern games are insanely fun. Take a spin at multi-player Little Big Planet together and I dare you not to have an awesome time. Everybody’s Gone to the Rapture is also brilliantly worthwhile if for no other reason than the lovely art.
Online dating is a damn drag. Let’s just admit that now. So if you’re looking for a totally different experience, I really must recommend this geek-friendly version of online dating. After all, we can all use more reasons to make time for a little time with our favorite games, right?
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This post was brought to you by our sponsorship partner: LFG Dating! We love our sponsors because they help make Being Geek Chic happen through financial support. Being Geek Chic content is written and produced by real geeks and never comes from content mills. LFG Dating is the world’s only premium geek and gamer dating service. With members all over the world, they want to help you find what you want - someone else to game with! And date! Check out their services on LFG Dating.
My relationship is a bit of a miracle in the online dating world. It’s the majestic dodo bird. Or the fabled Jackalope. It doesn’t exist. Except that it totally happened one time. And it happened to me.
I signed up for Match.com one lovely August evening, filled out the profile and then waited to see who would message me. The next morning, I had received a note from TJ.
Seventeen hours. One lovely message. One lovelier date. Five years and six months later, we’re still together.
Today, I look through those tortoise frames at his old, wise eyes and feel so lucky that we’re still a couple of Jackalopes in love.
Of course, the finding each other part was simple. Getting to that browser window nearly 6 years ago was a hell of a lot harder.
When I signed up for Match, I had just gotten out of a particularly confusing pseudo dating situation that involved nights at professional wrestling matches, long phone conversations about Michael Bay’s filmmaking abilities (you can imagine…) and incompatible religious ideologies. It wasn’t going anywhere, but I was determined to try. Then a friend did what all great friends do: she snapped me out of it.
We met at a little place in St. Paul called Cupcake and I confided in her that I always felt like I needed to “prove myself” to men who were not that great to begin with. It was no way to date and it was certainly not the foundation of a healthy relationship. So I went in search of something new the best way I know how: I got on the internet.
My Match profile was so temporary that I honestly don’t remember what I said. If I had to guess, I wrote that I loved to watch movies and blog. I know with absolute certainty that my love of England was evident because my profile picture was me hanging out at Stonehenge.
The mystery of Stonehenge may just be that it brought us together. TJ says I played it cool for way too long. I’m inclined to believe him. But when he picked me up for our first date, I felt pretty confident that this bespectacled guy who was really into architectural history, Bob Dylan and Native American antiquities probably wasn’t studying to be a mass murderer on the side. To be honest, he seemed like too much of a nerd. And I was right. He was a total nerd. At the time, he was also a Republican. May I state for the record that I never pressured him into his current political stances, which teeter more towards socialism than anything, and we never really fought about it. I just knew that I had never met someone who was so thoughtful (In the early days, he’d always make two dinner reservations and let me pick between the two…), beyond generous (he drove my brother through a snowstorm once so he could make it to his class) and smart.
I know it seems like I must really know my shit about online dating. Nah. I have no idea which dating site is for you and don’t ask me for advice about writing your dating profile, because my advice is going to be rather simple: be honest. Not attracted to that dude? Then don’t carry on the conversation. Don’t want to date a Catholic? Then don’t bother messaging the person. Don’t want to deal with someone who works nights? Then don’t even go on that date. If your gut has some pre-defined set of expectations, then be picky. But not too picky. It’s a balancing act. Here’s what I mean: don’t look for someone who is exactly 6’2, a Sagittarius with curly brown hair, green eyes, limited chest hair and an interest in Scottish kilt-making. If you are that fucking specific - then good fucking luck.
Teej and I are not a total anomaly when it comes to the success of online dating though, especially in my circle. My best friend met her fiance. My stepsister met her boyfriend. And my dad was always eager to try it.
Three months after our whirlwind digital matching, I took TJ home to meet my parents.
This is TJ, he works in a print shop.
Yes, he also wears glasses.
I’m sure he likes sports.
OH. And funny thing. We met on Match.com. In fact, I was signed up for less than 24 hours when he found me.
My dad’s reaction was priceless: “I’ve been on eHarmony for 7 goddamn months and I haven’t met anyone.”
The next week he met his future wife on eHarmony.
I have two stupid, irrational fears.
Most people reserve the part of their brain where illogical terror resides for spiders and snakes. I had to go and get creative in that quadrant.
One could argue that the obesity fear isn’t entirely illogical. With my whole “let’s tell the world my most embarrassing secret” thing - it’s really not that big of a surprise. But have you ever seen a news story about a 20-something year old woman who was carrying around an extra 20 pounds suddenly waking up with an extra 1,000? Yeah, illogical.
The other is easier to forgive, because you can’t control your dreams. I blame Facebook. These exes and pseudo-exes show up on my damn newsfeed all the time and I can’t work up the guts to de-friend. I was only recently let free like a butterfly on a spring afternoon by one particularly destructive ex when he up and quit the site altogether.
It’s really the pseudo-ex-boyfriends that torture me though. What’s a pseudo-ex-boyfriend, you ask? Here’s a definition:
1. A boy who you go “out” with. They’re not dates, but it’s just you two single people, doing things couples do. And then he insists on paying.
2. A boy who texts you for advice. Career, family, furniture, otherwise. Never asks about, mentions or indicates he would need advice about women.
3. A boy who you have relations with. No, these are not one night stands. No, they are clearly not “Friends with Benefits” scenarios. Relations is up to your definition.
4. A boy who gets obscenely and zealously angered when another man actually asks you on a proper date.
5. A boy whose friends are so used to you being the only girl around said boy that they start to refer to you as his girlfriend by accident.
See also: Episode 130 of Seinfeld - The Calzone
Origin: Usually College
One can see why this would be a torturous scenario. You meet a guy. He asks you to “hang out” and then tries to kiss you. Then he asks you to “hang out” again. This time with his friends. Then he asks you to “hang out” a third time. With his parents?!
And when you finally just say, “what the hell are we?” he looks at you like a bewildered deer right before he runs back into the woods.
These dudes regularly visit me in my sleep. Sometimes they’re pleasant and I wake up and I think, “oh, that was nice.” Other times it’s destructive and horrible like Godzilla just took hold of my self-esteem and toppled it like a poorly constructed Lincoln Log set. I wake up sweating and confused and in need of Prozac.
A few weeks ago these two fears converged in a nightmare that can only be described as my brain taking a vacation at Lucifer’s summer home. In the dream, one of my pseudo-ex-boyfriends had opened a pizza shop in my home town. It should be noted that the fellow doesn’t actually make pizza for a living either. But, in this particular version of my personal hell, he operated a hockey-themed pizza place. I became a regular patron of said establishment, visiting several times a day and gorging myself on his spicy pepperoni slices. The more I visited, the more obese I became. The more obese I became, the more attention he paid me.
When I finally stopped eating, I bundled up and watched him play hockey from a bench. I couldn’t skate, because my legs had become too fat to properly glide without causing me to topple over on the ice.
And that’s when I woke up.
My first thought? That *might* have hurt more than our original fallout. At least other pseudo-ex-boyfriends have the respect to leave my weight alone while taunting me in my sleep.
Tolkien once said:
I have to give Tolkien credit for tapping into my deepest issues so precisely. Whether it’s the dreams I’ve conceived for my career or the dreams I can’t control in slumber - they’re powerful because they are an amplified version of my life.
Dreams take our old realities and bring them back to the surface and reach into our future and show us possibility. Both force you to look at things differently and perhaps even admit that you have some things to let go.
In the meantime, I need to develop a normal fear or two. Like a bad credit score and semi-trucks. I mean, how could those two ever meet up in a dream?
Every once in a while, I write a little something over at The Mary Sue. It’s kind of like mecca for a nerdy girl. Today, I’m talking about dating geek.
Here’s the background:
“I’ve been a self-identified nerd since I was 16, but I didn’t always date within my identity. I dated all kinds. Hipsters. Musicians. Wannabe hipsters. Bad musicians. My current boyfriend is a total nerd too, but I almost gave up on our relationship after our first date because he hadn’t read George Orwell’s 1984. (And he over-used exclamation points in his emails.)
Five years later, I’m so happy I didn’t let dystopian fiction and punctuation stand in the way of love. Here’s 5 rules for geek dating…”
Go read it.
